I created this blog over a year ago.
I kept putting off my first post because I wanted my it to be profound. I wanted my first post to be brilliant, transformational, I wanted it to change the world. And then I realized that I was being an ass. The whole concept behind the name of my website and my blog has always been that true beauty lies within our perceived imperfections. It is our mistakes and "flaws" that make us memorable, interesting, beautiful. And yet here I was obsessing over the need to write something perfect.
Considering that this is a place for my thoughts, and opinions, and I am nothing close to perfect; I am not exactly sure where I thought this perfection was going to originate. It sure as hell would not emerge from my easily distracted (watched an episode of BBC's Robin Hood, and checked my facebook about three times whilst writing this single paragraph), heavily caffeinated (third cup of coffee in two hours?) mind. And it is highly unlikely that some divine being would decide to inhabit my fingers. Particularly since in the last few years, I have become increasingly more comfortable with the likelihood of my being an atheist (open to the idea of a higher being, just very very skeptical).
The people I admire, the people who inspire me, the people whom I aspire to emulate, are never perfect. They are the people who shrug off their failures. They are the people who stand up after being repeatedly knocked down. They are unaffected by embarrassment; and understand the uselessness of shame and regret. They try new things knowing they may not succeed, and will even likely fail.
These are things that scare the shit out of me. I was raised to put my best face forward. To do everything in my power to never sweat, to never admit failure, and to never, ever, embarrass myself or my friends and family. That is a lot of pressure. It is also, quite frankly, a miserable existence that is undoubtedly destined to end badly. So every day I remind myself that perfection is bullshit. I tell myself that I am okay as I am (sailor mouth, cellulite and all). And I do the best I can with what I have got, and try to remember that everyone else is pretty much trying to do the same thing.
My happiest moments in life were the moments I didn't think about myself, or what others thought of me. They were moments I was thinking about the happiness of others. And they were the times that I just did things naturally and didn't over analyze every gesture, and every nuance of every action. Basically times of existing fearlessly. So for me to live happily I need to constantly do things that scare me. Because the only way to live without fear is to face it head on even if you pee your pants while doing it. ***thus far, pants are still dry, phew***
I regularly need to remind myself to just try. There are so many clichés about regretting what we have NOT done. And of the few things I know in life, one of them is that clichés earn that status by being based in truth. So I will write. And it will not be perfect. But while I may not be a great writer, there are talents and passions that I have that I feel I can and should share. And to share them, I will need to risk being imperfect publicly.
So here I am writing the first blog. Which as lame as it may be, scares me.
I am not a great writer. But I have no hope of greatness sitting on my ass wishing for it. Greatness comes from effort, and practice. Greatness comes from learning from your mistakes. Which means I will have to make mistakes if I ever want to achieve anything resembling greatness. I am very aware that this may suck. I am equally as aware of the fact that even if it doesn't suck; there will be people who will think that not only does it suck, but that I do too. I know that the more I put myself out there the more vulnerable I am to judgment and criticism. And while I do not look forward to trolls and insults, I do look forward to the strength that comes from rising above those kind of experiences.
Hopefully I will share things here that people will enjoy reading. Hopefully sharing my experiences and ideas will help someone. And hopefully writing this first post will motivate me to not wait a year to write another one.
***multiple clichés about about first steps and busted cherries were typed and promptly deleted from this section. I may value a well placed cliché, but I apparently cannot place one well, here.***
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